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Two roads diverged in a wood, and I –

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

From The Road Less Traveled by Robert Frost

This isn’t a road I would wish on any family. Most days I wish we weren’t walking it ourselves. I want to complain and argue and scream, “This isn’t Fair.”. And you know what?! It’s truly not fair. It’s just not. And like I tell my Man-Cub….a Fair is a park with rides and attractions and games. That’s not life. Life is messy and murky and sad and hard and shows us just how much we all need Jesus. If life was fair and every mama that wanted a beautiful, healthy baby got one miraculously without thought, what would that teach anyone about the beauty and sanctity of life? How would we appreciate what a gift it is that any baby arrives earthside at all? How would we know the crazy complexities it takes to make sure all the right chromosomes are there at just the right moment, the sheer wonder it is that all the body parts form the way God originally intended them to, that the crazy and complex brain would grow and function, that spines would be perfect, and on and on and on? Two of my births already have taught me just how precarious it is to truly get a baby earthside, when we came dangerously close to losing both of our boys (years apart) in labor. But my eyes have been opened to just the wonder and awe of how God crafts the body, all the way down to DNA and chromosomes.

So here is me being real, and transparent, about what this week looked like. Since we are in this period of an entire range of likely outcomes, including losing baby, we were told to prepare as much as possible for this loss. That meant some really hard things friends. I won’t lie. We have partnered with an incredible Christian non-profit in town that provides photography and a doula at whatever point we deliver, whether in life or in death. There is a person assigned with the awful hard task of helping to handle and initiate funeral things while we are inside the hospital. We have thought through how can we help our children understand personhood of our baby, which is why we will be doing an intimate and fun gender reveal with them. We will no doubt be naming baby far sooner than our kids (which we wait until birth normally), to again help with understanding the identity of our Peanut for our family. These are not normal decisions. But welcome to our normal. But thankfully those hard decisions (for now) are behind on us.

And so here we are. Trusting God to keep growing this specific baby right now. That His plan is for good, whatever road that means we walk down. We are now in a sweet time of waiting and trying to enjoy our pregnancy until the next round of doctors, tests, news, etc. So we are just enjoying this season. It’s full of flutters, movement, a round belly, hopeful expectation from the kids and planning for a gender reveal.

Thankful for Hillary Scott’s words to Thy Will Be Done.

I know you’re good
But this don’t feel good right now
And I know you think
Of things I could never think about
It’s hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that you’re God
And I am not
So

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done

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